Part 17: Page 17: Clean Code: A Handbook of Agile Software Craftsmanship

Page 17: Clean Code: A Handbook of Agile Software Craftsmanship

_{why did i pick some stupid gimmick for the chapter titles oh god why
i am suddenly and fully regretting this decision}



The chapters are going by pretty quickly. If I were actually playing the game straight instead of just playing for a half-hour now and again, they'd be going by even faster.

What I'm saying is that this is not a long game.


Chocobo Village

I think it's a safe guess that it's somewhere inside the Technolith.

The Technolith. Of course! ....What is that thing again?

It's a structure located beyond the cliff to the west. Nobody knows who built it... or why. You can't get near it, either. I've made attempts to approach it by airship, but the nasty spots of lightning always make me turn back.

So how are we supposed to get inside?



You'd think that would be one of the first things Cid would try, wouldn't you? 'Oh I can't get here by airship. There does seem to be a path I could walk to the tower, though. Oh well, too bad.'

Then let's get airborne!

But we've still got that little fuel problem, remember? We're not going anywhere until you bring three coreshells.

We already have two, and the third is ready for the taking.



But before we do that, let's chat with our Chocobo friends that were rescued. First on our list is Indy.

Boco! A most pleasant surprise! Glad you could make it. Most definitely!

Oh god damn it I forgot about his vocabulary.

Seeing your brave silhouette again has jumpstarted my already superior intellect towards new, amazing altitudes! I'm quite sophic for my age, actually. Do not allow my fledgling appearance to mislead your mediocre senses.



And she sells seashells by the sea shore. Bite me.

Then let the exposition commence!



March de Chocobo
Mystifying Magnets

Now then, let us begin. As one may be able to ascertain by the film presented just previously, these 'magnets' are in no way mystifying. The most immediate constraint is that set by our speed; the requirement for a golden rank is strict. The approximate amount of delay that can be given to each round is just under five seconds; each puzzle must be completed in under ten total. As such, the breakdown should follow this pattern: magnets, path, puzzle. Both the genesis and the end goal have the direction marked as part of the puzzle. In addition, each puzzle requires the use of both every chalk marking and every provided magnet to be complete. Therefore, certain pieces can be immediately disregarded as the first and final pieces should be obvious. From that point onward, the task is simply to follow the line to its predetermined completion.



Ah, there we are. This seems to be a satisfactory outcome.

If I'm not mistaken, your intellect rivals that of even Cid! But don't tell him I said that, or he'll smite me with rolled-up technical documentation again... This is a small token of my respect and admiration. I hope you find a good use for it!

See, I can use my vocabulary as well. This actually reminds me of something I have to keep in mind; occasionally I'll use words I learned from reading and my friends will just look at me until I reword my statement.



That was stupendous(sic) feat of brilliance, one on par with even my capabilities! Take this as a sign of our camaraderie, from one member of the intelligentsia to another!



Alright, enough out of you. Now, to someone with fewer lines...


Chocobo Village

Yes, you'll do.

Even though our hearts are always connected, meeting face to face makes me feel extra...warm inside. You could try passing that feeling along to your other friends, too...

What friends? The only people in this world are Boco, Bebuzzu, and bit players that exist solely to be plot devices.

I almost forgot! I want you to have this!



Okay, that's nice. It almost makes up for that JRPG heart crap.



Joe's also a cool dude.



But fuck Joe, Carbuncle's here!

I'm Carbuncle, the spirit of glee! Happiness is a special reward for those who never give up! Since you've never given up this whole time, I have a present!



Canonically, Boco's never lost. Because of LP.

Boco, do you feel happy now? Joy is like a yummy dessert! All it takes is a tiny, little bit to make you feel sweet inside! See you later, friend!

Bye, buddy! You're the best.



This guy had used too much bleach, but we fixed his uniform. Really, Kraken Ultros fixed that, but we summoned him so it's our doing anyway.

(W-wait a minute! It's back to normal again! Maybe it was when the ink hit me...? You're the only one who could have pulled off that wicked stunt. I hope you'll accept this as a sign of my gratitude!)



Kweee! Kweee! (Oh, man! I'm 52 flavors of grateful! However! Don't you forget that we're sworn enemies! This is a war, man! A war! Blood and guts! Rip and tear! Now scram before I decide to bust out my illegal ninja moves!)

Snarky commentary multiple choice time!
A) 'If that was 31 flavors, I'd point to it being a Baskin-Robbins reference. Instead, I'm forced to assume he's a deck of cards.'
B) 'You're of average Chocobo size! That means you have average guts! Rip and tear!'
C) 'Please, no Jailbird is threatening. Even those with so-called ninja moves. I knew a kid like that once. He tried to show off his ninja-ness but ended up tripping over his feet and falling on his face. I never knew a 6th grader could cry that much.'
D) 'Deck of Drakengard reference! NINJA!'

D is the all of the above option. Please don't pick D.


Beneath the Horizon

Coreshell get. This is the third and final needed one, but we're going to clear out this place before going any further. Because I don't want to come back here more than I have to.



Speaking of returning to old places...



The final challenge. Thankfully - I don't really like this game.


Move de Chocobo
Leaping Luchilles Versus 5

It's the fifth level of this game. The game is tedious, boring, and I don't like it.



I don't care that we tied.


Victory

In all honesty, my dislike stems from the abysmal controls than anything else. For the life of me, I can't fling Boco accurately.



We get our third and final epilogue for beating Volg in a one-on-one battle, though. War's good for something after all


Prelude
Shiva and Ifrit: Leaping Luchilles Epilogue - Celebration

Shiva and Ifrit both did their best to get in the way of travelers. However, the skilled travelers had no problem gathering up all the luchilles they wanted.
"I think it's safe to say who got the best of us," said Ifrit, pointing at the victorious travelers.
"I can't argue with that. They took all our precious fruit."
"Looks like the jokes on us." Ifrit let out a great sigh and Shiva began laughing. The fiery spirit resigned himself as well, and the pair shared a hearty chuckle.



Shiva laughed so hard she cried. The teardrops were heated by Ifrit's flames and evaporated into the sunlight. Suddenly, a great rainbow appeared and stretched across the heavens. It was almost as if the rainbow glistened in silent celebration of the bond between the two spirits.

So tears of laughter got burnt and now there's a rainbow. I'm sure that makes sense to someone somewhere, but I'm tired and I can't make this link up in my mind properly.



Oh? A place we haven't been? We must rectify this situation.



...later, of course. Next up is Underwater Escapades.


Battle de Chocobo
Underwater Escapades Versus 4

Fuck Underwater Escapades.



Seriously, look how small that is! And I have really terrible controls.



Even Boco just wants to drown by this point.


Victory

Fun fact: recording Underwater Escapades makes everything lag for some reason. It's some effect they used for the bottom screen, but it's terrible and makes things even more awkward.



In addition to unlocking Versus 5, we also rescue Bruce. Bruce is one of the few Chocobos that we saw at the beginning of the game.



He was sitting here, fishing.

Spectacular performance, Boco! Now this man of the sea can get back to his one true love: fishing!



Hey, you know what's worse than dealing with Versus 4?


Battle de Chocobo
Underwater Escapades Versus 5

Versus 5.



The path is so tiny!


Victory

I hate Leviathan.



At least we're done with this stupid minigame.


Prelude
The Boy Who Cried Leviathan: Underwater Escapades Epilogue - Rematch

The boy escaped from the menacing Leviathan! "Listen, everyone! I raced Leviathan and won!"
But, of course, nobody believed him. "I swear! I'm not lying this time! I promise!"
"Oh yeah?" said one of the villagers. "Then race him again where we can all see!"
"B-but..."
"So you were lying?"
"No! And I'll prove it," the boy cried. "Leviathan, I challenge you to another race!"



At that very instant, Leviathan appeared in a great gush of water. "Very well -- but this time, I won't go so easy on you!" After hearing that, the boy dove into the waters, never to be seen again.

This is the 'canonical' epilogue, mainly because this is how Leviathan and the boy get set up for book 2.



Our result is the unlocking of the Leviathan chest. Huzzah.



Up next is all the piggies.




March de Chocobo
Puzzled Little Piggies Versus 4

I really am getting tired of March de Chocobo. I've started turning off the in-game music and just listening to stuff I have on iTunes instead. It's much less stressful.



Oh, this is the complete second house, by the way. In case anyone was wondering.



I doubt anyone was wondering.


Victory

This is where I would normally say something witty, but I can't think of something that wouldn't be a repeat. Ah well. Just substitute some other joke I made this update.



Motherfucking Tonberry, so fucking cute...



And our final challenge, beating Versus 5 by any means necessary.


March de Chocobo
Puzzled Little Piggies Versus 5

I want to take this time to whine about something. This game cheats egregiously. Volg knows exactly where every piece is, where it fits, and when it won't. I, on the other hand, am limited to this tiny little window where I can see maybe 10% of the field? If I wasn't using savestates, this game would be nearly impossible to beat. I think this might be one of the few I never completed when I played through the game the first time.



Because GOD DAMN it's hard. Especially with Volg bolting after all the good pieces right away. It helps that Boco moves faster than Volg does, but I'm not gifted with some special knowledge of which piece goes where.


Victory

As you can tell, I barely won this round. And that was thanks to my strategy of 'Volg, place a piece. Now I snatch up the house.'



The last epilogue.


Prelude
The Three Piggies: Puzzled Little Piggies Epilogue - A Plain House

This one is the traditional piggies outcome. Just in case you were wondering and hadn't grasped the pattern yet.

"Build it here, in the grassy plains!" Father Piggy called out. Then they went to work.
The eldest brother used his quick feet to run around and gather all the straw in the village. In the blink of an eye, he had put together a fine house made of straw. The middle brother used his strength to gather wood and had soon assembled an even finer house made of wood. The youngest brother took his time, and after both of his brothers hand finished, he deftly constructed a sturdy-looking house made of bricks.

My Father Piggy just keeps getting worse and worse, doesn't it?



Their father inspected the houses and then declared, "The most excellent house is the one made of brick!" He pointed approvingly at the house his youngest son had built.
The two older brothers were shocked. "Father, is these something wrong with your eyes? What is so wonderful about that house?"
Their father responded, "Remember what I told you? The grassy plains are full of vicious Tonberries! A house made of straw or wood certainly wouldn't last long out here."
And so the youngest brother, as slow and skinny as he was, married his kind and beautiful piggy bride, and they lived happily ever after.

Hey now Tonberries are cute as fuck, man. This one even helped us build our house!



And speaking of building things, the debris from that other set of stairs is gone.


Beneath the Horizon

Before we do that, though, one last stop. And it's painfully worth it.



Maybe Volg can give us some challenge?


Battle de Chocobo
Bubbling Barrage Versus 5

Nope.



Poor Volg. This game must exist only to be easy. Actually, on second thought it was probably designed that way; it needs to be cleared to progress in the game, after all.


Victory

Oh my god Volg I am so so sorry. I still think you're cool.



For clearing with 20+ points, we get this.



For clearing, we get this.



It feels fantastic to be out of there! Way to score right at the buzzer! I've been keeping an eye on you this whole time and analyzing your moves, your game. I think you could be a contender! Your courage, your athletic prowess, your strength... You've got everything it takes to go straight to the top! From this day on, consider me your personal trainer! I'll set things up in the park here, so get over on the double!

In case you haven't noticed, with the exception of one microgame that shall not be named, I've been more or less sailing through this game.

_{fuck Jelly Jiggler}



Anyway, back to here. And what's on this island, you might ask?



A warp geyser, you might be answered.



Over the rainbow, though... That's our real prize.



Because there's a new microgame for everyone to enjoy.



Move de Chocobo
Blizzardy Blocks

If by enjoy you mean get mad at, then yes. This game is frustrating only because it's so simple. Tap where you want the block, and it goes there. You don't even have to worry about controlling the Chocobo. It's so simple and yet the developers got so nasty with it that I'm slightly impressed. That one little part where I had to break the block he was on to get the piece directly below him took several tries to get right.

The worst part is, this is an easy microgame to make. It's really simple, actually; just have the chocobo object check if it can go forward or go up and forward, and if not then turn around. Rinse, repeat, replay. I could probably make a graphically-simplified version of this microgame in about an hour, maybe two. Even the tapping of the blocks is easy - just have some boolean set to not-solid, then when it's tapped set it to solid. Super easy, and like I said I could probably have it set up in about an hour, two at the most.



But win we do, as usual.




No witty banter this time; it's a statue. Statues don't talk.

Don't be ridiculous.



Bruce, on the other hand. Bruce talks.

The tides have turned--along with my luck! I can't stop the fish from biting! I'm certain you are to thank! No need to be shy! I have prepared another gift for you. Please, take it!



That 'another' worries me, a little. Did I miss something? This dialogue is because we already got the epilogue that spawned all those fish, remember?

Once your battle is over, you should join me for some relaxation by the sea. All of my worries disappear with a fishing pole in hand and bait in tow. I'm sure it will bring you solace as well, friend.



And last, but certainly mostly least, is Zavi.

There's my star! Let's start with a pep talk today. I'm going to tell you a story about me! Though I may not look it, I was once quite the sportsman in my prime! I was even able to pull in a few medals at the Chocolympics. I was once like you, without gold trophies or screaming fans!



Goddamn, old timer. You're certainly garrulous.

I knew you had it in you, kid! Don't let me, or yourself, down!



March de Chocobo
Up, Up, and A-Kweh!

Now that I think about it, maybe it would have been better to show the top screen too? Oh well. Anyway, Up, Up, and A- you know what, let's just call it Up. Up is actually skill-based, something that shocked me too. You have to aim for the perfect 45 degree angle or you won't make it.



You'll make it just too far away and briefly go incoherent with rage



Anyway, this is as far as I could make it with multiple tries.

I always knew you were a contender! It's not exactly a silver medal, but... I want you to have this!



Oh boy. Tera Flare. It's probably Mega Flare but poorly translated.

You're the champ! If I had my gold medal with me, I'd hang it around your neck. Since I left it at home, I want you to take this instead!



And that's our upgraded version.

Next time: It's the Tower of Babil. Fuck.